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Laura. I am in similar situation to yours so don’t know what I can do but lend you an ear to listen and a desire to understand and serve as evidence that you are not alone.
My experience shows that few families have equal help from all the members in helping elderly parents whether they are nearby or not.
I am retired, so I don’t have the conflict with my job; but it makes it more difficult to create boundaries that allow me to take care of myself as I need to. That is a very important thing to do. After 7 years I am having a lot of trouble because I haven’t done enough to refresh myself so that I can do well what I need to do for my parents who are in their 90’s now and have more needs all the time.
One of my biggest frustrations is that things are advertised to help the elderly, but they never seem to exist as advertised. My parents lived frugally so they would have money for their retirement, so they don.t qualify for most programs that do exist. Mother had to pay cash for Dad’s care at a nursing facility until she had spent everything she had saved. Then Dad qualified for a government program in which he was eligible for more care than before. Mother doesn’t qualify for most help because Dad’s retirement pay went to her so that she could survive on her own.
I have paid some of their bills so Mom won’t be so scared. I am getting very tired and it gets harder to put on my happy face when I spend time with them.
I am also new to this group. I retired in 2008 and moved back to my hometown. I had been away for the better part of 40 years, and I hoped to have some family support since I had just finished treatment for cancer. Instead, my mother had a stroke shortly after I returned and I ended up taking on most of the responsibility for both my parents( Mother always did just about everything for Dad. )
I can identify with your statement, Penny, about siblings not being able to help. 2 of mine help a little, but they choose what they want to do and when they want to do it. The other sibling lives farther away and travels for work, so I don’t expect a lot from him. Mother is 91 years old and lives alone now. Dad’s in a nursing home. Mother likes to do her own grocery shopping but requires someone to be with her every second of the time at the store. She can’t see, hear or speak very clearly, but I have stopped her from climbing shelves to reach items just out of her reach. She needs help finding things and reading labels and asking questions of the staff.
I take care of mail, bills, doctors’ appointments, prescriptions. setting up medicine. The most confining part is being on call all the time in case she needs something. I’m blessed to be able to spend time with her since I was away so long, but she gets harder to understand and more impatient all thee time. While I understand she is frustrated, I have been so tied down for the last 7 years that I feel totally burned out and unable to keep this up. I love my parents and I want to help, but I can’t even understand what they want most of the time.
