Hi Laura,

I am Laura too, so I just thought I would respond, as I just joined this site today.  My dad has passed away, and my mom is 85 also, living alone.  She doesn’t have dementia, just very slow thinking and physically very disabled.  I am sorry you are feeling overwhelmed now.  I agree that you should NOT quit your job.  Your dad just can’t problem solve solutions anymore, so YOU are his solution, and he can’t think outside that box.  You are adequate for the tasks that are yours to do….you get overwhelmed when you take on more than you can do.  Burn out, from Parker Palmer’s book Let Your Life Speak, is not giving too much, but trying to give from what you do not HAVE within TO give (or something like that).  Realize you have given what you can, and it isn’t up to you to provide for all the gaps between their need and your ability to provide.  Do they have a church or synagogue community with a leader to talk to about resources within THAT community of people to help by even visiting them or taking them one meal a week?

I am not sure where you live or what financial resources your folks have or don’t have.  I got my mom to sell her car this spring, after years of fear that she would hit something.  My brother has passed away as well, so it is just me now helping Mom. I grocery shop for her, but she did agree to take Meals on Wheels, a county run program with volunteer drivers.  That has improved her nutrition a LOT and I feel better as it relieved me.  Until you get them into assisted living, see if you can have them HIRE someone to come in a couple days a week.  Does your mom have a dementia doc you work with for meds?  Could they help you find resources in the community.

What would it take financially to get them into assisted living, and could they swing the cost?  The facilities should have someone who could help guide you through the application process, and you could take tours of places, and that might help.

I don’t know that I helped at all, but I hope my response lets you know you aren’t alone dealing with this stuff, and that you need to take care of you, know your own boundaries, and get the out of area siblings to kick in financially for some help if you can.

Laura. I am in similar situation to yours so don’t know what I can do but lend you an ear to listen and a desire to understand and serve as evidence that you are not alone.

My experience shows that few families have equal help from all the members in helping elderly parents whether they are nearby or not.

I am retired, so I don’t have the conflict with my job; but it makes it more difficult to create boundaries that allow me to take care of myself as I need to.  That is a very important thing to do. After 7 years I am having a lot of trouble because I haven’t done  enough to refresh myself so that I can do well what I need to do for my parents who are in their 90’s now and have more needs all the time.

One of my biggest frustrations is that things are advertised to help the elderly, but they never seem to exist as advertised.  My parents lived frugally so they would have money for their retirement, so they don.t qualify for most programs that do exist.  Mother had to pay cash for Dad’s care at a nursing facility until she had spent everything she had saved. Then Dad qualified for a government program in which he was eligible for more care than before. Mother doesn’t qualify for most help because Dad’s retirement pay went to her so that she could survive on her own.

I have paid  some of their bills so Mom won’t be so scared. I am getting very tired and it gets harder to put on my happy face when I spend time with them.