January 14, 2020 at 9:50 am #5138OneSonParticipant
OK.. so I was here in 2015, thinking that I was ready (and that my parents were ready) for me to step in and help. They weren’t, so I backed off. Now here I am again…
My father is 92. For 92 in reasonably good health. Can’t hear, still drives (although he probably shouldn’t), still owns a “business” although at this point it is more a hobby and he operates at a loss. He is spending money on the business that he really doesn’t have.
My mother is 88. She has been a smoker all of her adult life. She is incontinent and has COPD, AFIB, and Osteoporosis that has resulted in compression fractures of vertebrae on four different occasions by merely walking across the room. She recently was admitted to the hospital for a bleeding ulcer and severe malnutrition, because she was laying in bed taking pain meds without eating for about a month. She has now been in a nursiung home/short term rehab facility for about 75 days. She participates in therapy sporadically (its a wonder medicare is still paying), and she barely eats but drinks boost, so her weight is hovering around 90 lbs. Yesterday, I learned that she has now suffered another compression fracture.
She will need care, and my father will not be able to provide it.
My mothers social security income is minimal, so she will likely qualify for long term care medicaid, but my father’s social security income is too much to allow them qualify for any other medicaid services.
Their only asset is their house, which is in a state of disrepair with a value of just over $100K. My wife and I paid about $4000 to pay off their credit cards, in an effort to get their debt to income ratio sufficient for them to qualify for an equity loan (and my dad refuses to give up any of his 8 credit cards). Our thought was that we would get something closer to us with the equity, get them moved and then pay of the loan. First of all, we can’t really find anything for the amount the bank will loan on the house, and second, although my parents say they are willing…they won’t do anything, or help me do anything to move in that direction. I don’t think they (particularly my dad, who sees his independence going away) are really interested in a move. I’m also not sure my mother is strong enough to make the 8 hour trip.
They live in a remote area (NC mountains) that is 1-1/2 hours from the nearest decent hospital, and they live 8 hours away from me (even flying is a two hour drive from closest commercial airport).
I can’t afford to pay for their care, and my circumstances don’t allow for them to live with me. They can’t afford to pay for their own in home care … and they are both adamant that mom will not go into long term care.
They are both mentally competent… just unrealistic and unreasonable… but to be honest, I don’t have all of the answers either. I just feel really strongly that they have more medical options if they were closer to me, and obviously it would be easier for me to assist with their needs and transportation.
I realize that they are responsible for being in this situation, as they could have… and should have planned for the closing chapter of their lives, but they didn’t. Other than praying for guidance and mercy for both my parents and myself… I really feel like we are painted into a corner.
July 14, 2021 at 4:27 pm #5563MJParticipant
- This topic was modified 2 years, 5 months ago by OneSon.
I sadly took encouragement from your struggles. I wonder how things are now 18 months after you posted.
Our father is 90 and deteriorating. He has no insight into his inability to manage a 3,000SF house on 9 acres. He has destroyed almost all the vehicles/tractors. He resents us children and thinks we’re just trying to make his life miserable. He and my mother refused to do a trust years ago when we tried. So now we cannot afford long-term care. By the grace of God we go forward one-step at a time.