Navigation: POP Community Forums New Member Introductions Frustrated

Viewing 3 posts - 1 through 3 (of 3 total)
  • Author
  • #3797

    Hi Everyone! I am a caregiver for my 87 year old deaf father who has lived with me for the past 10 years. Up until Dec ’14 he was very independent, still driving and giving me and my husband some space. Then he suddenly passed out and the whole world changed. After spending 8 weeks in a hospital and skilled nursing unit with Afib and Kidney failure he came home with a sour attitude toward life. It was only his 2nd time in the hospital in his 87 years and he just thought he was dying. He was so stubborn he would not do anything that the Home Health Physical Therapists wanted him to so he remained very weak and loved being waited on hand and foot. After me preaching that he had to get up and Move; he finally started improving slowly; which is great. But it is still ALL about HIM!  He manages to push every button I have to keep me stirred up. Communication is a problem with him not being able to hear me or anyone. So life in our home is not too much fun! I am 63,retired due to a vocal cord tremor and have some other health issues myself, plus still trying to be a good wife, mother and Grandmother to 12 grandchildren. So I have a busy life; however I find myself feeling sad, angry and resentful – which I have never felt so strongly before. I am smart enough to try to find time for myself and get away for a few hours at a time. Even found an assisted living facility close by with respite care which I have taken my father for a total of 2 weeks so far this year for us to have a vacation- even though I can’t do that too many times because it is so expensive. So it is just so frustrating and I truly am at the point I don’t know what else to do. I have always been the good daughter who I have taken care of my invalid mother in the past, and all my grandparents in the past also.  I am the only child so I have to take care of my Dad. My husband and I even took him to the beach and to Mississippi to visit his cousins on 2 separate trips, thinking that would help his attitude.  Which by the time we got back home I could only go cry I was so disappointed due to my frustration with my Dad. It was just terrible. Then I catch myself being ill with him and everyone around me; and I know if I do not take care of myself first I will not be able to take care of everyone else. I am getting to where I am so sad and ill tempered that I take things out on my sweet husband so I know it is time I ask for help. In reading some of the other introductions, I feel that my problem is rather small compared to some of yours. Maybe I can help some of you too. Looking forward to having some new friends that understand what I am going through. Thanks to all of you in advance.   Kaye

    Hi Kaye,
    Thanks so much for sharing your story with us.  One of the hardest things about caregiving is accepting the situation as it is.  We wish we could change our parents attitudes, or they way the respond to situations.  We can sometimes make ourselves physically ill by stressing out over what we perceive needs to changed or fixed.
    If you try to accept your dad for the way he is now and not fight or resist what is, you will find more peace and contentment in your life.  Remember to be grateful for things that are going well in your life and focus on all of the positives, try and catch yourself when your thoughts turn negative and bring them back to where they should be.
    Consider checking out our book “Oh My God!, We’re Parenting Our Parents” or getting help from one of our Certified POP Family Coaches.

    Hi Kaye;   Ten years oh my God you are a saint.  I’ve been taking care of my parents at there house for 5 years and I’m ready to strangle them both.  My parents were always strong people;  now those strong personalities are difficult to deal with.   Acceptance does help but it is difficult to change gears.  sorry you don’t have any sisters and brothers.  Any Adult DayCare in your area?  I know its a pain to get them there.  But it would also improve his socialization.  Like you needed someone to talk to is there anyplace he can meet old friends.  They need jobs too.  You unknowingly isolate a person when they have no jobs within the family.  Most people can fold clothes.  Make sure he knows he’s helping you out.  Its more of a pain to get them to do stuff but it gives them a sense of worth.  My Mom has worsening dementia, but she is used to running her house.  So I sit her at the table and let her peel potatoes or carrots.  She takes three times as long as I do, but it gives her a sence of acccomplishment.  Men are tougher especially if they never did a darn thing in the house.  I frequently ask my Dads advice on something.  He’s an engine guy so I ask him how to winterize my lawnmower.  I may have already done it , but I ask.  Don’t isolate him anyone gets very angry, sounds like he has lost his sense of purpose.  Good Luck, you are a saint.


Viewing 3 posts - 1 through 3 (of 3 total)

You must be logged in to reply to this topic. Please login or register to reply.