Hi:

I am new to this group.  I need some advice or guidance.  I am currently helping my Mom (79 years old) with her needs, having moved her close to me to an assisted living facility.  She is handicapped and almost two years ago, she fell and broke her hip so she went from being able to use a walker to being wheel chair bound. Though she is in an assisted living facility, she still needs my involvement from anything from moral support to accompaniment to doctor appointments because she suffered a stroke (which was the deciding final factor that dicated her move) and needs help communicating and her doctor has recently requested that I be the one who accompanies her to many of them to get the full story.  The assisted living facility does provide transportation and escorts to these appts but I can’t always get the appt scheduled to match their transport schedule and sometimes I just need to be there so I know what is going on because not only does Mom have problems communicating to the doctor, she also cannot accurately relay the info to me later.  I am also her POA and am managing her finances, etc.  She is not happy that she had to move and is not accepting of her condition.  And the lack of understanding and short term memory loss only contributes to the problem.  My brother still lives back in NC where she was living and is of no help at all, not even moral support.  He also does not call my Mom much nor do his children.  That is another story.

My Dad who is in  his early 80s has recently decided he can no longer afford to live in SF, CA and has considered moving.  Initially I thought it would be nice to offer a room in our house, but as time has passed I have realized I am trying to make everyone happy but am over extending myself.

My husband and I are self employed and are right in the middle of some transitions in our own lives, personal and business, in preparation for desperately needed time off, time to spend with my own kids and grandkids, and also in some early preparation for our own retirement.  Some of the transitional changes in our business has also been to accommodate the time off I have needed and still need to continue to help my Mom.

I have recently been trying to voice my concerns to my Dad and let him know as diplomatically as I can that I am overextending myself and I need to backstep and rethink how we are going to do all of this.  I have contacted his sister who lives close to him in San Jose, with whom he also has a close relationship with, and she has indicated that she also has a room in her house and that there are also nice senior apartments close to her and close to shopping and other conveniences, etc., that would also work for him.

He is self sufficient right now and can still drive, take care of him self and everything.  I think he would actually stay in SF if he could feel comfortable about the expense.  My concerns are not that he needs help now, but he does have a recently diagnosed heart condition that puts him at risk for a stroke, he has fallen two times on his recent visits to our house, and I feel  like I have to look forward and decide if I can take on both parents should Dad also have a health crisis and need further assistance as well.  He refuses to look at things that way saying he refuses to live his life around “what ifs” and is almost insisting on moving here anyway telling me that no one is going to tell him what he can do (which introduces another thing to think about – that attitude if he does end up needing help 0_o)   My Mom has been very bitter about my making decisions for her and that has been very challenging to work with already.

I am trying very hard to be as diplomatic and respectful about this as possible but even though he doesn’t want to consider more grim possibilities such as getting sick or having a stroke or even something as life changing as not being able to renew his driver license – I have to consider those things.

By the way, my parents are divorced.  The dynamic between the two of them is the greatest when they are together so figuring should he move to Fresno, even to a senior apartment, I thinking I could visit both of them “together” isn’t a possibility.

I am starting to feel a bit trapped by this.  My brother is conveniently out of the picture and there are no other relatives in Fresno or close to help.  It is just me and my husband.

But my Aunt/ Dad’s sister, has many friends some of whom already know Dad, as well as my cousin and her husband who live in San Jose, so she has at least a couple of other people who could help.

I have mentioned all of these things to Dad and his response is that he doesn’t like the San Jose area and has some vague thing he keeps telling me that he needs to talk to me about with regard to his sister but hasn’t come forth with it yet.  But my Aunt is telling me she is more than happy to help.

What do I do?  Just come out and tell him no, that Mom required my help first and I can’t put myself in a position that if both parents end up needing help I just can’t do it?

If I spend any more time out of our shop, leaving my husband to try to do all the work himself – more than he already is – we are going to be in some real trouble financially.

Where do I draw the line? has anyone else been faced with this with two parents and no family close?

• This topic was modified 9 years, 6 months ago by Debra L Montgomery.