Laura. I am in similar situation to yours so don’t know what I can do but lend you an ear to listen and a desire to understand and serve as evidence that you are not alone.
My experience shows that few families have equal help from all the members in helping elderly parents whether they are nearby or not.
I am retired, so I don’t have the conflict with my job; but it makes it more difficult to create boundaries that allow me to take care of myself as I need to. That is a very important thing to do. After 7 years I am having a lot of trouble because I haven’t done enough to refresh myself so that I can do well what I need to do for my parents who are in their 90’s now and have more needs all the time.
One of my biggest frustrations is that things are advertised to help the elderly, but they never seem to exist as advertised. My parents lived frugally so they would have money for their retirement, so they don.t qualify for most programs that do exist. Mother had to pay cash for Dad’s care at a nursing facility until she had spent everything she had saved. Then Dad qualified for a government program in which he was eligible for more care than before. Mother doesn’t qualify for most help because Dad’s retirement pay went to her so that she could survive on her own.
I have paid some of their bills so Mom won’t be so scared. I am getting very tired and it gets harder to put on my happy face when I spend time with them.